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Vanessa is on Fire/Five Danvillians Love Your Little Things
Carl reviews the songs "Girl on Fire" and "Little Things" for Carl's Pop Song Reviews. He doesn't like "Girl on Fire" that much, and thinks "Little Things" has so many things wrong with it. Memorable Quotes in "Vanessa is on Fire" Carl: Hey, uh, (looks around the set) new place. Major Monogram kicked me out. Again. I don't know why that keeps happening... (screen shows Carl bashing a bad song while Major Monogram is giving news to Perry) Carl: Oh my god, this song sucks so much! I can't even... Monogram: SHUT UP! Carl: (in an annoyed way) I'm working. Do you want me to pay for the equipment that I destroyed back when I was evil? Monogram: You haven't paid for anything for the past two years! (back to the show) Carl: So, I got a new place, and a new piano. Yeah, Major Monogram sold the old one to pay for the equipment. Carl: (referring to Vanessa) There are a lot of flaws to Vanessa's career, the first one being that, well, she's not a very good lyricist. Look, she's a really good singer, a great artist. She makes music that sounds good. But her lyrics are kind of lacking in quality. Vanessa: Sometimes I love you, sometimes you make me blue... Carl: (sarcastically) Love makes you happy. Love makes you sad. (unsarcastically) Yeah, she has a few corny songs with some derp lyrics. Carl: But you can overlook those. No, the big problem here is that all of her music sounds the same. She's never really stretched herself. Piano, power chords, Vanessa screaming "whoa-oh-oh" a couple times, you know the drill. The only song that took her out of her comfort zone is the ragged, minimalist, "No One". Vanessa: (begins singing "No One") Carl: (in a monotone voice) Bash-thud-thud-thud, bash-thud-thud-thud, bash-thud-thud-thud, bash-thud-bash-bash, HONK, HONK. Carl: "Girl on Fire" is the worst Vanessa song she's ever had, probably the first song of hers that I've actively disliked. I should explain why this song is bad. Let's take a look at the opening line. (screen shows Vanessa presenting the title of the song in a 1940's-esque style. Suddenly, Isabella pops up and begins rapping) Carl: Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait, wait, uh, this is not the version I'm familiar with...(looks at his notes)...I didn't take any notes on this part... (screen shows Albert) Albert: (angrily) Yeah, they just jammed a random appearance by another artist at the last second. You can tell how fast they wanted to rush this out. Carl: ............... Albert: That green-screen background is the only thing you see in her part of the video. In that case, they should just show us the green-screen. Carl: ...Okay, dude, you got to stop doing this. This is, like, the third episode you've randomly showed up in. Albert: (sarcastically) I'm sorry for bailing your sorry self from this floundering review. Let's keep listening. Isabella: (rapping) Spirit of Marilyn calling me, audibly, bawling, she said that she would never leave, continued to torture me... Albert: Okay, this is a callback to Izzy's song "Marilyn Monroe" on her last album. Considering that Izzy is complaining about being tortured, I can only assume that Ms. Monroe probably didn't like the song that much. Isabella: Telling me to come with her, underneath my comforter... Albert: Wait, the ghost of Marilyn Monroe wants you to come with her underneath your sheets......(suggestively) Nice. Isabella: And she brought a gun with her... Albert: ...Oh. Isabella: Pills and some rum with her... Albert: Ohhh... Isabella: Took me on the balcony, telling me to jump with her... Albert: She really didn't like that song, didn't she? Isabella: 'Cause I win the gold like Gabby... Vanessa: (singing) She's just a girl and she's on fire... Albert: That's it? Wow, that was a clumsy transition. Carl: Yeah, the song just stopped, and there's no transition at all. It just cuts off, and then Vanessa starts singing. My music player transitions two random songs more smoothly. Carl: But anyway, before I was so rudely interrupted... Albert: (looks annoyed) Carl: ...we were actually talking about a Vanessa song. Vanessa: She's just a girl and she's on fire, hotter than a fantasy, burning like a highway, she's living in a world and it's on fire, filled with catastrophe... Carl: Mm-hmm. So she's on fire, and that's good, but the world is also on fire, and that's bad. Vanessa: Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away... Carl: So she's on fire, but she's flying away from fire...Was she the one that set the fire? Was she fleeing the scene of the crime? Vanessa: She's got both feet on the ground, and she's burning it down... Carl: She's burning what down? The ground or her feet? Vanessa: This girl is on fire, this girl is on fire... Carl: Yeah, you already said that, no need to repeat yourself. Vanessa: This girl is on fire... Carl: Mm-hmm, still on fire. You know, you can expand on those thoughts a little. How this girl is on fire? Why this girl is on fire? No? Okay. Carl: At this point, they should just rename the song "Girl Doing Stuff". (begins singing) This girl is doing things, this girl is doing stuff. Carl: Okay, she's on fire, the world is on fire... Vanessa: Looks like a girl, but she's a flame... Carl: She IS fire. She's a flame on fire. She's a fire on fire. Vanessa: But they can see the flame that's in her eyes... Carl: Her eyes are on fire. Vanessa: This girl is on fire... Carl: (sarcastically) Everything is on fire. Man on fire! Light my fire! Fire, fire, fire! Fire down below! I am the godearth, and I bring you.... Buford: Fire, fire, fire! Carl: I'd give her points for not rhyming "fire" with "desire", but I'm not sure that the girl she's singing about even HAS desires. Vanessa: We've got both feet on the ground, and we're burning it down... Carl: Oh, so it's "we" now. Vanessa Doofenshmirtz is on fire, too. All girls in the world are on fire. By "we", do you mean all of "female-dom"? Seriously, you couldn't find a place to take this "girl on fire" metaphor, so you just added more girls on fire. I haven't been able to see many girls on fire since.....(screen shows the music video)...uh.....hold on....is anyone else seeing this? (screen shows Vanessa in the music video snapping her fingers, and a mess of toys on the floor is magically going into a basket by itself) Carl:....What the (bleep) was that? (begins singing) Well, the girl who's on fire helps the medicine go down, the medicine go down... (screen shows a kind-of-aging Charlene, Vanessa, and a female Montessa kid chopping vegetables together) Carl: Wow, this video is...kinda bad. I know the song doesn't tell us much, but the vibe of this song is "single girl in the big city", not "stressed out mom". Not to offend moms and housewives, but chopping vegetables is NOT being on "fire". Vanessa should be out on the street, skipping and throwing her beret in the air, not this. What little we know about this girl is that she's aloof and untouched by the world. "Flying away from catastrophe"? Vanessa: Filled with catastrophe, but she knows she can fly away... Carl: What "catastrophe" is she flying away from? Her kids? Maybe she should try putting them out. Carl: Even Vanessa at her most beltiest is too restrained and too classy to pull off this "fire" metaphor. This isn't firey, it's watery and weak. Vanessa: Nobody knows that she's a lonely girl, and it's a lonely world... Carl: God, this is lame. "Lonely girl in a lonely world". Of all the hackneyed....Let me guess, did she take the midnight train... Phineas: (singing) Going anywhere... Carl: PFT is the only band, by the way, that has the guts to sell cheese like "lonely girl in a lonely world". Vanessa is too classy and dignified to make music this bad. Why not replace every single word with fire? Girl, girl, girl, fire, fire fire, girl, fire, girl, fire, flames, matches, burning bridges. This song is an uncreative pile of... Albert: And then the guest rapper comes back in, ruining the momentum of the video! Isabella: (rapping) Dear God, if you're hear God, make the fire disappear when they stare, God... Albert:....Wait, I'm confused. How is this fire metaphor supposed to work again? I thought the fire was supposed to represent your strength as a woman or something. Do you want to fire to go away when people look at you? Isabella: Make the fire disappear when they stare God, take away my fear when they interfere, God... Albert: Well, it's good that she's showing a vulnerability that you rarely see in rap songs. Isabella: Do you fear God? 'Cause I feel God, and in my backyard, that's a deer God, and that's a horse ranch, Albert:....Uh, are you bragging to God about owning a deer and a horse ranch in your backyard? That's a little much for a prayer, Izzy, even for something that wasn't that impressive to begin with. What do you think God's saying to that? Isabella: And in my backyard, that's a deer God, and that's a horse ranch... Albert: (in a godly voice) Thank you, Izzy GS, but I know what a deer is. I kinda made them. In North America, they're pretty common. Wait, why am I even listening to this? You haven't even bothered to get a good green-screen effect! Carl:...........Are you done? Albert: Yes, yes I am. Carl: None of Izzy's verses have anything to do with the song. Well, I don't even know what the song is about either, since there are about seven words in it. What was all that (bleep) about God? This song isn't about God, it's about a girl on fire. A girl hiding in the clouds, distant from the world, and is so amazing you can't even look at......Holy (bleep), this song IS about God.....It IS! Vanessa is singing about a goddess burning down the world with her merciful wrath. At least, I hope that's what the song is about, because otherwise, this song is a tired pile of cliches. Carl: I take that back, it's full of ONE cliche! It uses a "you go, girl" sentiment that's too weak to actually mean anything, and it's a little condescending in that matter. No one's going to write a song called "Boy on Fire", which congratulates guys for doing whatever. She didn't even come up with the term "Girl on Fire"! I'm sure it's coincidence that the name of her song is the exact nickname of Katniss from the Hunger Games. (a picture of Katniss pops up) If she'd written this song ten years ago, it would have been called "Boy Who Lived". (a picture of a Harry Potter book pops up) Vanessa: This girl is on fire... Carl: (sarcastically) How is she on fire? Maybe this girl is an assassin, making it and working hard in the contract killing industry. She's trying to make it in a lonely world, because she killed all the other people living in the world. It can be about anything you want! Maybe she's a senator or maybe she's a nun. Maybe she's a goth girl living with her crazy dad, or maybe she's a pink bow-wearing girl from across the street. Maybe she's a recording artist chasing another hit long after her creative energy has run out, or maybe she's a girl who tries to get her brothers in trouble all the time. Maybe she's borderline copyright infringement. (a picture of Katniss pops up) Whatever. This boy is bored. I'm Carl the Intern, and I'm out. (walks away) (episode ends) Memorable Quotes in "Five Danvillians Love Your Little Things" Carl:....The time has come. (screen shows Five Danvillians singing "Live While We're Young") Carl: You can only be a bad pop song reviewer for so long before you devote some time talking about one of the most popular and most toxic acts in the music industry today, so that's what we're going to talk about. Carl: You see, about nine months ago, it looked like we were having another boy band war, this time, all the nominees came from Danville. But unlike the wars of the 90s, this one ended pretty quickly, with the Paisley Sideburn Brothers having one episode dedicated to them, PFT burning out after one song, leaving the very worst of the boy bands as the winner, five singing, dancing American boys who call themselves Five Danvillians. Carl: I disliked them instantly. Something about that scrub-clean, innocent, gosh, gee-whiz attitude is just (bleep)ing me off. These guys have no (bleep) personality; they're all "the cute one". (pictures of Monty and Coltrane pop up) Seriously, "Monty Monogram"? "Coltrane"? Those are made up names. Carl: So, what's wrong with them? Well, I didn't put it all together at first, but then I noticed something that I couldn't ignore. Monty: You keep making me weak... Jeremy: I'm waiting on ya, so come and let me sneak you out... Coltrane: I don't know why you're being shy...(switches songs) Oh, I just wanna take you anywhere that you like, we can go out, any day, any night... Carl: Five Danvillians is trying to (bleep) your daughter. Five Danvillians: You've got that one thing, and I need that one thing... Carl: Yeah, behind their non-threatening boy-band facade, these guys are pretty much sleazy, pick up artists. You can't avoid it, that's what all their songs are about. For one, they're ALWAYS love songs, and they're directed to YOU. Jeremy: You... Carl: Not a "she" or a "her", but to YOU, so that YOU can easily fantasize that they're singing to YOU. They never say anything specific about YOU, again, so you can easily pretend that their song is about you. And worst of all, they're devious enough to target their impressionable fanbase right in their most vulnerable parts of their psyche. Jeremy: You're insecure, don't know what for... Carl: (in an advertising way) Hey, teenage girl, are you insecure about the way you look? Of course you are, you're a teenage girl, you've got enough insecurities to fill a house. Well, Five Danvillains hone in on that and make them all go away. Five Danvillians: You don't know you're beautiful... Carl: Don't worry, baby, you're beautiful, and even if you're insecure about your insecurities, Five Danvillians can make you feel better about it, too. Five Danvillians: That's what makes you beautiful... Carl: They LOVE that you're insecure because they think it's hot. They have it down to an art. The one reason Five Danvillians exist is so they can make insecure teenage girls swoon by their insincere flattery. Even Fletcher had more moves than this. Carl: The song I chose to talk about today is called "Little Things" and....this review is going to be a first for me. Usually on this show, I cover overplayed, smash hits. But "Little Things" is not one of those smash hits. It peaked at number 33 for a week before dropping down fifty slots and getting replaced by other Five Danvillians songs, as per the new chart strategy of releasing every song on the album at once. Carl: But, anyway, I chose to write about this song because it is so mind-numbingly bad that I don't even know where to start. While I hate this band, while I genuinely hate them and everything they stand for, you know what's worse than a Five Danvillians song? Five Danvillians singing a white-guy-with-acoustic-guitar song. Coltrane: Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me, but bear this in mind, it was meant to be... Carl: (in an evil voice) This is my (bleep).........HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATE...... Carl: This song was originally written by Irving Du Bois. Irving is basically the red-head version of Django Brown. He is known for his biggest hit, "The A-Team", which was NOT about the "Doof and Puss" like show of the same name. What a waste. No, "The A-Team" is actually about a girl who's addicted to Class A drugs, like crack. Irving: White lips, pale faces, breathing in the snow flakes... Carl: Because of its' subject matter, it's more substancial than the average WGWAG song. Annotation: WGWAG= White Guy With Acoustic Guitar Carl: But it's still a pretty good example of everything I hate about the genre. Usually, instead of singing a straight love song, your douche-bro lover will use the indirect route and write the song in the third person about a "lonely girl who feels bad all the time and no one understands her". Phineas: (sings a WGWAG song about how insecure Fireside Girls are beautiful) Carl: (sarcastically) That way, you know he's super-caring and romantic. (unsarcastically) This is the same tactic Lil Jeet used in his own guitar ballad, "How to Love". The ladies eat this (bleep) up, even when your leading lady is a dying crack addict. (sarcastically) Oh, he's so thoughtful and romantic. Irving: But they say she's in the Class A-team, stuck in her daydream, been this way since eighteen, but lately... Carl: (sarcastically) Just makes OD'ing on the streets sound so pretty. Irving: The angel dies, covered in white... Carl: (sarcastically) A dead crack addict is an angel in white flying home. (unsarcastically) Bull(bleep). The topic Irving chose to write about is ugly, dirty, and not Lawrence Fletcher telling you you're beautiful. Lawrence: You're beautiful, it's true... Carl: Maybe Irving didn't write this to find girls, maybe he was actually sympathetic, but still, I don't think he knows what he's talking about. Carl: And that's Irving when he's good, at least that song has some good lines in it, unlike "Little Things", which combines Irving and Five Danvillians' worst qualities. Irving allegedly wrote this when he was in elementary school and then later, gave it to Five Danvillians instead of tossing it out like he should have. As expected, it's a miserable load of dishonest (bleep), straight from the "(bleep) me, I'm sensitive" school of songwriting. It's a love song to a sad, misunderstood girl. Coltrane and Jeremy: I'm in love with you, and all these little things... Carl: This is all the other Five Danvillian songs boiled down to their essence, comfirming exactly what they like about you.....THINGS! Carl: You know, THINGS! See, they're talking about YOU! You have THINGS! That's what they love about you, your things. The first thing they love is your qualities, but a close second, your attributes. Carl: Actually, I wish this song was vague. There are worst things than being vague, like being specific. And this song gets pretty uncomfortably specific. Well, it starts out normal, with cliche, meaningless nothing that can apply to anybody. Coltrane: Your hand fits in mine like it's made just for me, but bear this in mind, it was meant to be... Carl: (sarcastically) Yeah, that's how I know we're meant to be; your hand fits in mine. You're nothing like the last girl I dated; she had some gigantic monster hands. But you, you're special. Carl: Here's where the song goes downhill... Jeremy: I've known you've never loved the crinkles by your eyes, when you smile, you've never loved your stomach or your thighs.... Carl:......... Jeremy: The dimples in your back and the bottom of your spine, but I'll love them endlessly... Carl: .......Two things. One, this is yet another Five Danvillian song pandering to their fanbase, but more importantly, I don't think you're supposed to talk about the things they feel bad about. Jeremy: You've never loved your stomach or your thighs... Carl: Smooth, real smooth, guys. I'm not exactly a legendary ladies' man, but I know that girls don't want to hear the things they feel bad about. They want to believe that you haven't noticed their flaws. Start with "you're beautiful". End with "you're beautiful". Don't mention her flaws. Seriously, where did you learn your technique from, Baljeet? Baljeet: (to Ginger) I noticed that you're drinking 1% milk. Is that because you think you're fat? You could be drinking whole percent. Coltrane: I won't let these little things slip out of my mouth... Carl: Yeah, you better not. Wait, it's a little late for that, you already did. In fact, you wrote a whole song about it. Coltrane: I'm in love with you... Danny: 'Cause you snuck your way right into my heart.... Carl: Sorry, I keep throwing in random songs because this song is so generic. Let's try it again. Coltrane: I'm in love with you... Isabella: In the city of love... Carl: I know they're trying to be flattering, but they actually created a more unflattering picture of this girl. Not because she's fat, all girls think they're fat, but these guys keep going on and on and on about how she doesn't like herself and after a while, she starts to sound like a basket case. Monty: I've known you've never loved the sound of your voice on tape... Carl: She hates the way she looks, she hates the way she sounds, she hates different parts of her body... Jeremy: The dimples in your back at the bottom of your spine.... Carl: Wait....she's insecure about her...back dimples? Is that something girls get embarrassed about? I thought only really skinny people had those, anyway. Oh God, this girl has insecurities up her woman parts! She's also insecure about her woman parts, you know, there are always magazine ads about trying to slim down your woman parts? Anyway, it's pretty sad that they think that everyone in their fanbase will relate to a song about a girl with body issues. Unnamed drummer: You'll never love yourself half as much as I love you... Carl: (facepalm) See? That's one of those things that sounds romantic but isn't! Maybe if was rewritten or put in a different song, it could work, but here, he's saying, "You will hate yourself for the rest of your life. But don't worry, I still love you, even though you'll be dealing with depression and self-loathing until you die". Carl: In "What Makes You Beautiful", they might be saying "it's cute that you're shy", but here, you have to wonder if this girl needs therapy. Even more so, after she listens to this. Monty: You still have to squeeze into your jeans, but you're perfect to me... Carl: Oh my god, stop! For the love of Christ, what the (bleep) is wrong with you!? Carl: (while the "Little Things" instrumental plays in the background) Oh baby, I know you worry about your weight, but you're beautiful to me, no one BUT me, but that's fine. I know you worry about having bad breath, but you don't, I promise. And I don't even notice that you have bad skin, and that you pick your nose in public, and that all your jokes are really bad, and that weird mole on your back, and that you kiss as well as a discarded fish head, and that your best friend is way hotter than you, and that your laugh sounds like two dying platypuses doing "it" and that you constantly derail conversations by complaining about your insecurities and that you're always fishing for compliments and.....(instrumental stops)....On second thought, I don't know WHAT I like about you.....I think we should see other people... Carl: This sucks. I have never heard such an insulting love song in my life. Are we sure Heinz Doofenshmirtz didn't write this? Carl: No wonder this didn't do very well. Not only is it sleazy, but it's incompetent. At least all their other songs were catchy and upbeat. Even Five Danvillians' fans are too sophisticated for this. Carl: I'm sick of this, I'm done. Five Danvillians, you can continue to be enamored by your needy wreck of a girlfriend. I'm Carl the Intern, saying that I love you....because of the little things.....but by 'little things' I certainly don't mean your stomach or your thighs, those things are huge! I wrote a song about it, want to hear it? (begins playing the piano) Oh, I don't care you're ugly, I don't care you're stupid----hey, where are you going? (episode ends) Trivia *The creator likes both songs (even the One Direction one) *At first, people thought "Girl on Fire" was about Katniss. It seems to be about Gabby Douglass, the gymnast from the Olympics. *It wouldn't make sense for Isabella to sing/rap about God because she's Jewish, but the creator isn't that big of a religious person, so...yeah.... *As of this writing, "Little Things" fell off the charts, and some of their other songs aren't doing well on the charts either. *"Little Things" is one of the creator's mom's favorite songs. No, she's not joking. *"Set the Record Straight" by Jeremy is pretty much about the same thing, but it's more vague and Jeremy didn't even get a chance to specify why he liked Candace. Basically, it's like a different 1D song. Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Reviews Category:Carl Category:Vanessa Doofenshmirtz Category:Isabella Garcia-Shapiro Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Coltrane Category:Albert Category:Monty Monogram Category:Stories by Tpffan5196 Category:Reviews Category:Carl Category:Vanessa Doofenshmirtz Category:Isabella Garcia-Shapiro Category:Jeremy Johnson Category:Coltrane Category:Albert Category:Monty Monogram